Joy unspeakable

IT'S OOOVVVEEERRR!

3 years of studies leading to a bachelor has finally ended tonight. The journey has been long and gruelling. So many late nights, so much had been put on hold. Now I'm really gonna chill out like there's no tomorrow!

Er... post grad? master? Oh heck, life's back to normalcy! Better enjoy it while it lasts :)

36

It's over! My 36th and final assignment is finally over! No more poring over research articles and writing into the wee hours of the morning! I can finally throw away all those newspaper clippings and... books? Hmm... Better hold on a little longer in case my post-grad studies come to pass.

Praying that my GPA will cut it, else I end it with second lower. Thus far my grades have been rather decent, now just two more to clear in November. It has been a long, long journey. Juggling between work, social and study life is really an art. Not recommended for the faint-hearted really.

Now to prepare for the exams...

So long, farewell

Bade yet another farewell to a friend... just learned of her demise. She had steadfasty refused to see visitors despite several appeals. Guess she did not want us to see in the state that she was. The last I saw her was in campus... the sight was alarming enough to express my concern at the emaciated 'house'.

Goodbye N. Though our encounters were brief but I sure am glad that we met. See you in Father's residence one day...

Destiny's Child

It's the last day of September... and tomorrow I turn *gasp!* years... young. Will be celebrating the day I was born with children the world over, and not to mention millions of Muslims across the globe too.

In retrospect, my 36th year on earth has had been eventful - a major or mega life event that nearly did me in but only by grace did I survive the ordeal. A bitter lesson that I could have had avoided but it has to take an upheaval to make me learn. It was a crash course at the school of hard knocks that I pray I'll never have to go through ever! But looked what the ordeal led me to... I'm back to the people helping line, and I got my driving license! Something which I never thought I would return (former) and pick up again (latter).

All in all, I can only say, "God is good". Thank you, Abba. Let next year be a year of accelerated and double increase.

Up to my neck

My new staff finally joined today. A long wait but better late than never. Am ecstastic that I could finally hand over some adminstrative responsibilities to her. Been feeling like a 'glorified clerk' cum technical support to three hapless ladies in my office of late. I observed that women above 45 in general are rather impossible when it comes to IT related stuff such as software (don't even mention hardware!). Case in point? This is the first time I encountered people who don't even know how to do simple formatting such as bullets in word document. All three of them were stumped when I told them that their documents were default to double line spacing and if they could switch to single line spacing. How to do it, they implored. For crying out loud, they don't even know how to copy and paste! It is one thing to handle one imbecile at IT, it is another to vet or totally re-format three imbeciles' works til I feel like throttling them! My boss didn't even know how to remove the CD Rom from her disc drive, and had to call for help. Sighs... Though they were often grateful, I rather leave this kind of 'knight in shining armour' job to someone who relishes in something like this. Hopefully with this admin girl onboard, they can quit bugging me for the minutest thing. Lord, have mercy!

I perceive that my work relationship with my boss is only at a level where we're merely tolerating one another and just being nice and polite. We can't stand the sight of each other, at least that's how I view the situation. No thanks to her, I lost one of the most capable staff I ever knew, and she would only return provided this super kiasu and kiasi boss goes. Lord, you hear me? Do something about it please! What bothers me bothers you too, right?

Milestone

Am in seventh heaven... Finally got the much coveted driving license! What a wait it had been though. 8 years had come and gone since I last took the test. Turned out that this long respite did wonders to my composure behind the wheels :) Am grateful to my loved ones for their prayer and moral support.

Speaking of driving, was somewhat taken aback by my ex-boss' new car - a VOLVO! Known for his flashy tastes and loud colours, the 'boxy' car doesn't seem to gel with his ultra-cool image. He appears to be taking it in stride though. So good to see him and R again though. Getting together with them from time to time is something I look forward to. We dined at this marina with tear-drop sculptures. Was not too impressed with the place and whoever designed the fine dining restaurant did not capitalise on the scenic harbourfront. It looks rather claustrophobic. A pity indeed.

Looking ernestly to the day I own my car. Let it come to pass... soon.

Chan Mai Phen Rai

Was awakened by a surprise call from a dear Thai friend this afternoon... her country in turmoil, and she needed to get away for a while. She wanted to know if I can host her over the weekend. Told her I would be more than happy. Then she broke down. It seems everything's falling apart, so much in-fighting... within and outside of her. She feels like a walking civil war in the midst of an external civil war. What to say now... It must be a terrible feeling. Internal strife is bad enough, but to see your people fighting like that... it's a double whammy.

She subsequently messaged me to say say she changed her mind about visiting but thanked me for hearing her out. She decides to go up north to chill out with some close friends. Looks like I may have to make the trip sooner than thought to check how things are with my friends and ex-staff there. Bangkok holds such poignant memories for me. Beautiful place, beautiful culture, beautiful people. How did it ever come to this?!

Here's to you, land of smiles: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c5yVUhYGrgQ&feature=related

Thanks baby, for the lovely song :)

August Moon

Today is the last day of August. I've wrote only three blog entries. But oh, what a month! It had been like a whirlwind... budget papers, events, case loads, not to mention an attractive offer that came unexpectedly... Alas, the timing couldn't be more unfortunate. My projects are lined up all the way to December and quitting now is likely to be deemed as 'abandoning the ship' by my boss. She had already made that clear when I informed her of my decision to pursue my master some time ago. I risk burning bridges if I choose to disregard that. On her part, she has made conscious effort to forge closer working ties since then, and this is much appreciated by yours truly. That aside, while the current work conditions are not exactly favourable, they are however, not big enough to be 'push factors'. Above all, I want to be sure that if I were to leave, it has to be for the right motivations and reasons. It's important that I think on even keel and keep my emotions in check.

September will be another challenging month... more talks and workshops ahead, tests and assignments too! A few important news and milestones as well. This is where the rubber meets the road. Will I 'make or break' in the face of these developments? One thing for sure though. I can't handle this alone. I need help (all the help in fact) from above. Calling the heavenly helpline... Hello?

They Don't Know

They don't know about us, babe. Those were the words I uttered when someone from the distant past asked whether I sensed if other people knew about our budding relationship. It was funny 'cause some did remark that we were like a pair of twins. When one was present, the other would not be too far off.

Then I stumbled upon this song... Was struck by the lyrics and immediately shared these lines with him: "Why should it matters to us if they don't approve? We should take our chance for we have nothing to lose." He was elated.

The song disappeared into the recess of my mind and resurfaced when I was googling for an unrelated subject on media and social identity... Thank God for You-tube! The lyrics are particularly poignant now... but this time around it's another line that speaks to me more: "There's no need to live in the past. Now I've found love I'm gonna make it last."

I thought it was a cute little ditty, with even cheesier music video... but what do we expect? It's the 80s! Didn't realise the singer is a comedian 'til she guest starred in Ally McBeal. Well, that explained the rather comical music video.

Here's the original version by Tracy Ullman:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4K1xnVFxfw0

A rather melancholic version by Katrina & the Waves:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dywp6Ktx3fI&feature=related

And a rock version!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sEavxDm9qEk&feature=related

Beauty Sleep

Been two weeks since I last wrote. Work's been crazy of late... Budget papers to submit, meetings to attend, admin work is piling (where is the replacement for my admin staff, HR?!), all these smacked in the middle of the busiest period of the academic semester (start of school term)! All of us in the office could hardly breathe... A little ironical that the very people inculcating the value of stress management themselves are under the mercy of stress during this trying time. Talk about practising what you preach.

As if not enough, the stressors are exacerbated by my back-to-back assignment deadlines. It's times like these that you wish the day is longer than night. It's madness considering how many things are vying for your attention in this 'pressure cooker' days of our lives. Managed to complete my first one this morning at 1.30am though. One down, five more to go...

Even more ironical is my first paper is on sleep, something that I can do with now... lots of it! Came across this cute song while doing my research: The Lion Sleeps Tonight

An oldie but a classic :)

King of Wishing Thinking

T is married. My first love is married.

Was on Facebook and something struck me to do a search for his name. His name (in full) topped the search list. It is him alright. The unmistakable boyish grin... Then I saw his wedding album.

It's been 10 years since we parted. It was not the easiest of parting... flashbacks of red eyes and pleading voice still recoil me. I did try to make amends subsequently, but the knife cuts deep. The last I heard from him was an sms one evening telling me what we did was 'wrong' and asked for my forgiveness. Completely taken aback (I didn't know how he got my number), I replied if we could talk. No reply. That same year, I sent him a Christmas sms greeting and he responded in kind. Then as if a chapter has finally closed, silence.

T, I know the chance of seeing you again is as remote as the Andes mountains. But if these are the words I wish to say: It is I who needs your forgiveness. For all that I did to you, you never once let me down. You seen me at my worst and yet chose to stand by me. You thought I was the stronger one, your better half. On the contrary, you were the one, T. The times we had together were the best days of my life, to date. How could I forget the evening at Seletar wet gap when we first confessed our love for another? Those little crumbled notes we wrote to one another. I lost you, it is completely my fault. I love you, T. So very much. If I could turn back time, I would right all the wrongs I had done.

Like the comments your friends left on your wall, you do looked great in that Mandarin suit. Your bride looked splendid. And most of all, you looked so happy. You have truly found your other half. And I've no doubt you'll be the better half. I give you my utmost blessings. May Yahweh bless you and your family with the dew of heaven and the fatness of the earth. May He keep you and your household safe and sound, protect you from any harm and danger, prosper all that you set your heart on, and supply you all your needs according to His riches in glory.

Thank you, T. Thanks for the closure.

Here We Go Again

Am soaking my feet in warm water as I'm writing this... exhausted from all that walking... up and down the stairs and hilly terrains under the hot sun carrying my laptop and notes... to give talks to a bunch of students who really couldn't be bothered with the messages I bring...

Certainly feels like it's back to the days of green camouflaged uniform again, except this time I'm dressed in business attire. Just one more day and it'll be over... 加油! I can really do with strength from above though.

Speaking of students, it's amazing how the feedback of a few naysayers can seemingly cancel out the positive comments from the majority. While I'm pleased that most of the students claimed that they benefited from my sharings, it appears that there are always a pocket of them who had nothing nice to say. I really should have accept the brickbats with grace but I guess there's a part of me that wants to say: "you really do like me!". Haha... that's Sandra Bullock from Ms Congeniality for you. Well, if it's anything, it only goes to show that no one, not even the Carpenter when He walked on earth, has complete favour in the sight of all men. I think what really should make a difference is that we find favour in the eyes of those who matter in our lives.

Back to the students, in a way I'm so glad I didn't choose the path of an educator. As it is, addressing groups of rather well-behaved tertiary students is already quite challenging for me, my heart goes out to the school teachers who have to deal with all sorts of students at the primary and secondary level. One week with the university students was already a tad bit too long for me. I can't imagine teachers who have to face the noise and unpredictable behaviours of the hormonal youths all year round. Remarkable indeed.

But I must say some of the students really looked hot! God must have spent a little more time on them, if I may borrow the words from N'Sync. I guess He created beautiful people and things to be admired, the works of His hands. But even these 'works of art' are not worth my while trekking around the #$! campus. Give me aircon anytime! Didn't LKY say something about it being man's greatest invention or something like that? :)

Farewell My Colleague

It's A's final day of work today. I'm already missing her... In fact, everyone is the office is going to miss her. She's by far the best admin officer I ever worked with... conscientious, hard-working and has initiative. Am not the only one with this opinion. M will probably be the one who will miss her the most. She has been relying on her for the most basic of paperwork all these while to a point that she's likely to feel 'handicapped' without her. Already she's sounding quite desperate... This is a case of not cherishing a blessing until it is gone. A has been such a wonderful blessing, but M has not been treating her well nor sensitive to her needs. I really hope that my path with A will cross again. She's definitely someone that I would like to work with - a gem of a colleague. I shudder to think of next week when the orientation programme commences. Most of us will out giving talks, and A won't be present to hold the fort! We will certainly need help from above.

My evening class resumes today. Thankfully this is my final semester. Have enough of TMAs and examinations. Exam stress is possibly one of the worst anyone can ever experience. Am really looking forward to November when it'll be all over. Next stop: master level. But that's another story :)

Overcomer

"Go on... jump!" the voice gently urged me. It was a night scene and I was standing at the edge of a ledge, opposite an apartment block. A couple of people (one was vaguely familiar) were encouraging me to take the plunge. Oddly enough, I got the feeling that this was not one of a senseless, act of destruction. But there was something more... Suddenly something struck me that I ever stood on this same ledge before. Exactly the same scene! As if reading my thoughts, the person next to me said, "You did it before." and smiled. Yes indeed, with one leap I jumped from the ledge right into the window of the unit directly opposite. I didn't how I did it but I did. The feeling was amazing, I recalled. What strength! What guts!

But it was different now. This time I was urged to jump off and fly! I took a look down and retreated in fright. It looked like a long way down. "Come on, you can do it," the voice comforted. "It's time to overcome your fears." My heart was pounding like crazy as both assisted me by my arms closer to the edge. "You can do this. Now jump!" And so I leapt. As I fell, I opened my arms and wonder of wonders, I felt myself lifted up. I actually find myself flying! The feeling of euphoria swept over me and it was indescribable! I started laughing as I realised I had defeated FEAR. I awoke with a startle and found myself smiling... Though it was just a dream, it was a heartening one as I had looked at fear in its eyes and kicked its butt!

I can imagine why this dream meant so much to me. Fear has a way of bringing people to their knees. I was standing on a 10-metre platform but this time it was not a dream. I was in the navy camp. Countless pairs of eyes were looking at me as I stood at the diving platform to "demonstrate" a proper dive. For some unexplained reasons, fear gripped me and I just could not bring myself to take the leap. Worse still, my very OWN recruits were coaxing me on, shouting words of encouragement. I made the mistake of looking down and suddenly the waters below looked like shark-infested ocean. I felt like throwing up and my knees decided to have fellowship with one another... I came down, tails between my legs, humiliated. Each step down the flight of stairs was painful. I could not even look at my recruits in the eye. It was a terrible feeling. Owing to this experience, I endeavour to overcome fear of heights at every opportunity. When I finally scaled the 10-metre wall during the rock-climbing course, I felt like crying. But this dream of yester-night was like the proverbial leap of faith.

I can do it.



On a separate matter, I dreamt of M... yet again. He looked different though. But still as flirtatious as ever... I wonder how he's doing now since we last parted. Peace, my soul, peace.

Zoe

Weekend just come and gone like that... Wish everyday feels like a weekend. In fact, there's no reason why everyday should not feel like a weekend. After all, why should the issues of life put me asunder? Why should I be below the circumstances? Despite the situations not being in my favour, do I not possess the power to rise above them? One of the toughest things in life is staying self-motivated. Guess that's what differentiates a leader from a follower. Everyone can do with a healthy dosage of motivation. But few can encourage and strengthen themselves out of the valleys... Realise that as and of myself, I can't go very far. Relying on my own strength is the perfect recipe for disaster. Yet I know of so many who are seemingly strong and able. It's a facade. Every mental health professional worth his or her salt knows that every person needs help one point or another in his or her life. Even Batman recognises that. Haha... He knows he can never be the hero he or people envision. Guess we're all searching for a hero. A person we can look up to. A person that's everything we're not. A person that is a beacon of hope in a world of chaos and senseless deeds and words.


Speaking of Batman, the Dark Knight was too 'dark' and a tad too long for my liking. If anything, the two-ferry scene was a good attempt at portraying the heroic spirit in humanity. It implies that every person is potentially a hero. A hero is the eyes of a loved one, a brother, a sister, a friend, a lover and even a stranger. I suppose even Hitler himself was a hero to someone (his lover perhaps), despite the heinous crimes he committed...

Back to weekends, yes everyday can be a weekend. Life need not be a drudgery. It should not be in the first place. Life is beautiful, and I endeavour to live life on higher grounds.

Lovers of Undies Unite!

And one of them is me... :)

Right Time, Right Place

She was slouching over the writing desk, her nose dangerously closed to touching the paper as she diligently took down notes as the trainer droned on... I watched her; intrigued by her odd posture and wondered if it is due to severe myopia or simply a matter of habit. Of greater concern is if she realised the potential harm she might be causing herself in the long run. I decided to share my observation with D as she's a trained nurse. What I was not prepared for was she promptly whipped out her handphone and took a snapshot of Ms Slouch. D said she wanted to show her her 'blindspot'. I asked D if she was sure and she said she meant her well. During the teabreak, D took an opportunity to have a private word with Ms Slouch and showed her 'evidence' of her harmful posture. The young lady gave D a cursory look and said, "I do not wish to have this conversation" and walked off.

D was really upset. 'She thinks I'm a lesbian?" she fumed. I had to do some 'damage control' and explained to her the principle of 'right time, right place, right word'. That good intention alone is often not enough in certain context. A kind gesture done when the other party is not in a receiving mode will just fall flat. Thankfully, she calmed down after my counsel and expressed her gratitude. On hindsight, perhaps I should not have shared my thoughts too readily and should have restrained D from taking the snapshot. D just happens to be a spontaneous and outspoken person. Anyway, lesson learnt: the same concept also applies in relationships. As I told R: the right guy at the wrong time is still the wrong guy... This offers a possible reason to the question people ask: "How come he seemed so right for me and yet it didn't work out."

CT is featured in the papers again today. A silver Jaguar... wow... he must be doing really well! This learning point is just as applicable as it is now as it was then - right guy, wrong time.

Wake up!

These Dreams

The recent 2-day workshop was rather dreary... The trainer can really yaketty-yak... In fact he talked himself hoarse by the end of the workshop. But what made it even dreary was the participants. There was simply no 'chemistry' - a fact not helped by the trainer's lack of facilitation. He appeared more keen in explaining the concepts or 'selling' the programme than anything else, which was a pity because had he given it a balanced approach, the message would have been more effective. The therapy offers a viable alternative approach to counselling but somehow it didn't leave a positive impression on me. The line of questioning is too intrusive and interrogative for my liking. Worse of all, de Shazer in the training video practically broke every basic etiquette that are "generally-accepted principles" - there was no eye contact, longer than usual pauses, he appeared disinterested and seemed to struggling with what questions to ask, and his questions even appeared rude at some point. Not a very positive demonstration, in my opinion.

What was interesting however, was the so-called 'miracle question'. If I apply it to myself... that a miracle happened while I was sleeping... what would it be like the next day. It is indeed thought-provoking. What kind of differences would the rest of the next day and life make? Hmm... If the miracles that I seek really take place, I should think there will be a world of difference in my life. I can envision myself smiling with relief as a heavy load of financial burden is lifted off my shoulders. My debts are paid, and I'll apply for my master programme immediately. I can quit my job with a peace of mind as I'll be able to study full-time with vast financial resources to see me through. I can go shopping for my car, house and even the things that I would like to buy... Financial freedom and security will be a dream come true. I can fulfil my calling to be a counselling psychologist and at the same time, pursue my dream of running my own resort and spa. Argh... a life of bliss and fulfilled goals.

I know that these dreams are not merely wishful thinking. They can come to pass. They will come to pass. Simply because I'm not without a God. I'm not withot hope. I just need to keep on believing and not lose my visions. Everyday is a day closer to my dreams unfolding. Unlike a people without destiny, I believe the universe conspires to make my dreams happen (quoting the words of Ralph W. Emerson).

Where Have All the Flowers Gone

The recent press reports on the treatments that our children been receiving from their caregivers and authority figures were rather disturbing. It didn't help when some held this 'mind your own business' attitude towards these shocking revelations. Don't they realise that horrendous crimes against humanity took place because people kept silent and glossed over seemingly small acts of abuses which eventually culminated into acts of atrocities?!

The Sunday Times carried an article on the 10 year-old boy who incurred the wrath of parents for... winning the track and field events. As he is unusually tall for his age, his build gives him an advantage over his competitors. His winning streak caused other parents to see red and it was reported that they booed, jeered, insulted and accused him of cheating. Some went as far as writing to the press and the education ministry to register their displeasure. A parent was even reported as saying that the boy "created so many outstanding records" that "there won't be any child who would be able to break them". But what is really saddening is that the boy was so traumatised by the negative attention that he had to hide in the toilet prior to the races.

I wonder if these parents are aware that this boy is flesh and blood with hopes and dreams just like their own children. For if someone were to put their child down and hurled insults and accusations like the way they did, would they take it lying down? And what kind of emotional damage would be inflicted on them as a parent, as well as on their child? Even if the boy is not really 10 years old and has "hair on his legs", did he really deserve the humiliating treatments the parents heaped on him? Were they really angry at him because he was perceived as cheating or were they angry that he had robbed their own children of the chance of winning? I also wonder if they realised what kind of role model they are setting in their children's eyes when they heaped scorns on a person receiving his prize or medal, justified or not. If they really have an issue, at most they don't have to offer applause. But to jeer and hurl abuses are way out of line!

I would have thought that if a "giant" were to win a competition in place of my child, it would be a wonderful opportunity to share the story of David and Goliath, or inculcate the importance of some life skills - such as winning is not everything in life. Alas, the ugliness of humanity rears its ugly head in this sad story. I just hope that this boy will emerge stronger and wiser from these unpleasant episodes and no permanent scarring takes place in his young heart. As for the children of these 'sore-loser' parents, may they emulate these negative qualities and grow to be champions in their own rights.

When Will We Ever Learn

Was searching for a Straits Times article online when I chanced upon this contribution to the forum:

Teach couples how to be parents
http://www.straitstimes.com/ST%2BForum/ST%2BForum.html

RECENTLY, I witnessed a scene at a wet market that could have been taken right out from the fiction of Charles Dickens.

Two small boys, about five and eight years old, were with their father. Suddenly, the 40-something-year-old man turned around sharply to the elder boy and, in a fierce voice, slapping his head at the same time, shouted: 'Didn't I tell you the answer to this question on this test paper and still you don't know?'

He next walked off briskly, again shouting: 'I'm leaving both of you here.' This led the younger boy to call out, 'Mummy,' as both ran to catch up with him.

The Registry of Marriages should introduce a pre-marital course for couples intending to tie the knot on the duties and responsibilities of parenting.

While this does not guarantee that parental abuse will be completely stemmed, it should go some way to curb this social ill. Any benefit accruing from such a pre-marital advisory course would, of course, be incalculable for their future offspring and, as a corollary, for the social good as well.

Yap Swee Hoo


What appalled me was the couple of comments that went:

Maybe ROM should introduce a course called "Mind your own business" for people like Swee Ho too..
Posted by: 0517elias at Tue Jul 08 12:50:38 SGT 2008

Nowadays children are horrible. Teach them several times also they dont remember. They play play game boy, PSP, etc and never do study. What a parent can do? You must be a childless parent to write such a letter. If you have a monster child who test your patience to the limits, you will know better.
Posted by: Juosterr at Tue Jul 08 12:49:39 SGT 2008


Going by their arguments that children nowadays are horrible and deserved the treatment that the father gave his children, and people like Swee Hoo should mind their own business, then I fear greatly for our children of tomorrow. NO WONDER many grew up dysfunctional! I think Dave Teo is a classic example of what happens when a child is beaten, punched and slapped once too often... He becomes part of a vicious cycle of unbridled anger. When will this madness ever going to end?

The judge's take on the case (with quotations from Ecclesiastes) thankfully brings comfort that sanity will prevail. Thank you, your honour.