In a breath of the wind that sighs

Why does forbidden love seems so... alluring? How I long for someone to call my own but yet it appears so illusionary. Out there, people are falling in love or getting hitched without a care in the world. Here I am listening to love songs and imagining I'm the one expressing the depths of my emotions. Wishing I am somebody that I know I'm not. This yearning and pining for another half makes one dreamy and sighs like the restless wind...

I want not just someone to be my other half, I want love, real love! Feeling that I'm living a life of lies and masquerade. Pretending that all is well with me but my private life is in shambles. It's ironical that I have so many friends yet so feel so alone. God is gracious to send people who love me and care for me... I'm indeed grateful for them... they are indeed my pillars of support. But my present lifestyle is just too far from ideal... Thus the longing... the yearning... the pining. Where does this loneliness stems from. I dread these feelings! Some say loneliness is a disease of the heart. It's small wonder that gay people tend to develop depression...

R sent me a love story about a man who painstakingly hand-carved 6,000-steps for his wife on a hill where they eloped to. An expression of love that took the form of 6,000 steps! Will I elope with my true love to the mountain top in the face of objections, R asked? Nah! No toilet facilities, I said. Haha...

Beauty for Ashes

Weekend come and gone just like that... Didn't get the beauty rest I need. Wish everyday can feel like a weekend.

The department lunch was a wonderful time of comraderie and I got to see my boss and colleagues in a different light. Take away the demands of worklife and suddenly everyone is on the same ground - with hopes and fears of a human in need. We all wear different hats (and masks) but at the same table with good food and bonding, layers of false fronts just got stripped away... Why can't it be like this real always...?

Don't know what got into C today but he was sure in a combative mood. I guess he was trying to make a point but got carried away and appeared as forceful and aggressive, creating tension. I really hope the girls don't take it personally and the friendships remain intact. C really has a lovely side - a large heart, a friend in need and a filial son. I choose to see the good in him. May I see beauty in all things and look at things through the lens of grace always.

Will you look what love has done to me

Was accessing my favourite personals site just the other day and realised that his profile was disabled. Huh?! Where is he? What happened? As if I couldn't believe it, I clicked on his last message to me over... and over... again. The same text box flashed "profile disabled". It then dawned upon me that I'd been checking out his profile each time I visit. Didn't send him any message each time... just wanted to see his picture. Am I crazy or what? Why am I pining for someone who blew hot and cold...? The last party we had was disastrous. Me and my bright ideas! Argh! The very sight of him with another was just too much to bear...

It didn't help that you're so bloody cute *growl!*. Guys were all over you in a jiffy. Well, at least we straightened out the record. I expressed how I felt and he... expressed how he felt. But I believe him not. He's just a hurt and frightened child who dares not venture where angels fear to tread. But I blame him not. In many ways, I'm just like him...

Oh M, I'm frightened as much as you... It's been a good 10 years since someone made me feel the way you did. Why did you do the things you did on our first encounter! It was supposed to be good, clean fun. How did I ever end up falling for you?! I wish I had stood my grounds then. For years, I have had steadfastly refused to yield to romantic overtures... til you come along. Look what you had done to me! I can't believe that you appeared in my dream. Ok, time out! Back to planet earth. I gotta get a grip of myself. Breathe...

Perhaps it's a good thing that he's out of the personals. Then I can stop this stupid business of clicking on his profile like an act of impulse. Perhaps it's a good idea that I delete his number. Then I can forget him once and for all. Perhaps I should put on extra guards around my heart. Then I won't go through this rollercoaster ride ever, ever again. Enough is enough.

Where Thou Utt

How I miss those days in the Land of Smiles! Those were the best days of my life! Wish I could return one day to work and live. How about running my very own resort and spa and simply retire into the oblivion? Mmm... I can almost smell the salty air, feel the sea breeze and gaze at the glorious sunset. Driving to the explore the countryside and towns over the weekends. Trying out the Thai food at various quaint places and of course immersing myself in their exquisite culture and cuisine. Thank you Nooch, Jeab, Poo and Tukta. You girls were simply the best!

And of course the men of Thailand... :) This one's for you, Porn (what a name too!)

Look What I Found!

Doing sit-up in underwear? This is way too cool (or hot)! Wish I was the guy holding his ankles :)



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8YY3tfbay1c

Wear under

Been writing too much serious stuff... think I should lighten up :)

Mmm... Love being in nothing but underwear in the privacy of my home. Eating, sleeping, studying, even cooking in my undie! Nudity is cool too, but it has its place... haha... Only troublesome thing is I've to look out of the kitchen window before washing the dishes to ensure the family directly opposite do not see more than what is necessary. Wouldn't want them to lodge a complaint on grounds of public nuisance. But noted that the maid has been smilng at me sweetly of late. Wonder if she had seen me... Ouch! Need to be extra careful next time.

Could not seem to locate the pictures of me in my underwear... wonder where's the #$! thumbdrive. Anyway, this picture is hot!

My Sentimental Friend

So won't you please play a song, a sentimental song... for my sentimental friend over there... This song's for my new-found friend, R.

Chatting with him brought back flood of memories of the distant past... of my own adventures and misadventures. Many, including yours truly are suckers for love stories or love stories gone awry. R's personal tales were lessons in love. It still amazes me how some people could mouth the 3 forbidden words so hastily. As I told R, loneliness can drive people to say or do things they don't mean. We are emotional creatures, and loving words or deeds can move us. But do these things really hold water? Quite often, the very same words and deeds do not stand the test of time. Guess that's why people flit from relationship to relationship, forever seeking for that elusive 'right person' to call their own. But alas, the mess they left behind in the process... shattered dreams, scarred hearts, disillusioned souls... Is the pain worth it all? I've seen my own pain reflected in the eyes of so many. After the fun, the loneliness lingers... Still we seek out no-strings attached liaisons perhaps partly to numb the pain and partly secretly bearing hope that the next one will be the right one. Sadly, many mistake lust for love. They will just about anything to eradicate the pangs of loneliness.

The world is full of lonely souls. Oh Lord, let there be one less every single day please...

Broken Wings

Was at the Fullerton... again for dinner. This time around giving a farewell treat for C. Was not aware that One Fullerton was undergoing major renovation works. Got all vulnerable with C and told her my life stories in a nutshell, sans the intimate details of course. She'll probably be shocked out of her socks if I gave her the absolute truth. The stories were true alright, except for the gender. Sighs... Why couldn't I just tell the truth, plain and simple? She been through so much in her love life, and yet emerged a picture of poise and dignity. I'm dysfunctional and have a knack of attracting dysfunctional people, I poured out. And this youthful granny known for her cool demeanor blurted out, I'm just as dysfunctional! We laughed and laughed at life's eccentricities. I will miss you, C... I also wish to migrate one day, just like you.

Returned home and was reading the papers and suddenly saw CT's face peering at me on the front page. Could not recognise his image at first til I saw his name and company. The pictures did not do him justice though. Well, it has been what... nearly 10 years since our short-lived courtship. Still recall the first time I laid my eyes on him at a forum. Went through great length just to get his email, thanks to Br... haha... Alas, it was not meant to be. Sent him a lengthy parting email (think I got a tad too emotional then). Anyway, never thought I'll see him til... we breezed past each other several times but never once acknowledging one another except perhaps for the glint of recognition in our eyes. He's always with a group of friends that are rather cute. He's doing very well now... well enough to drive a Jaguar. He's blessed indeed, and I wish him super-abundance.

Funny dream last night... Was treading carefully on a trail that had bird wings (big and small) scattered all over... Wonder what happened to those poor birds and why were there so many broken wings. One of them looked something like this:



It's a very strange world we live in, master Jack.

Loco in Acapulco

Oh what a night! Thanks for the memories, F :) It was great knowing you. My first encounter with a Mexicano. Not exactly my cup of tea but what a 'pleaser' you were... haha... You seemed a little despondent over your experiences with Singaporeans though. Hope I managed to provide an alternative perspective :) Not every hot-blooded Lion City islander is insenstive, superficial or arrogant. Even if they are, we need not be a part of them. We just hold fast to our values. Anyway, since you've already decided to leave Singapore for good, I wish you all things good and the best of endeavour. May the people you meet are kinder and show you favour :)

99 Islands

Source: Parks & Wildlife Service, Tasmania

Langkawi... A lovely, idyllic island. Bears semblance to Phuket, minus the sleaze. The Berjaya resort was fine, though some upkeeping works can spruce it up. Service was passable, the Beach restaurant dished up really fresh teppanyaki... and the trio singers were really good, particularly the lady... what a voice... So nostalgic...

Had dinner at the kelong-style Thai restaurant on the last night after the spa treatment. Set against the backdrop of a hill and built above sea waters, an eagle was soaring high above (like the majestic bird above); preparing to roost for the night... it was quite awesome... they bore the fingerprints of a creative Creator surely.

The cable car ride was really scenic and pleasant. Mount Faber came no where close.... Too bad I couldn't walk the hillside trail as my friend has a problem with height...

Some downsides: the body massage was so-so, the Kuah town centre was a yawn, the Silkair 3-hour flight delay... but overall experience was not marred thankfully.

Love to have quarterly retreats like this, and a long haul at least once a year... that would be perfect! Father, you hear me? :)

Retreat treat

Going for a short getaway TODAY! Been more than a year since I last went for a holiday... God knows how much I need one. Anywhere (well, almost) is good... as long as I'm outta here. Will visit Mahathir's playground island... haha... Langkawi, here I come!

Useless questions, Meaningless answers

I dreamt of Jimmy last night. In my dream, he smiled as I approached him. He looked... different. In the pink of health was the only word I could describe. I thought to myself: "So it was all a mistake. You didn't die after all." I started to laugh, and he continued to smile...

Didn't make it to his wake. Spoke to his brother on the line instead. He said something about Jimmy falling from the window, and there was a pail by it (presumably he was cleaning the window and he fell). Did not probe further due to sensitivity. The morbid part of me wanted to take a final look at him. Wonder what his body would look like after falling 20 storeys... *oh, stop it!*

Don't know who else would be there... Bomberman said he would be there, together with some friends. Messaged Ivan this morning but did not receive a reply. Hope he would take the news well, especially if he was close to Jimmy. Was reading the postings on the website http://jimmy-newtonlim.last-memories.com set up by his family in his memory. Didn't know he had quite a reputation in the events industry. Left my messages as well.

Jimmy, though we only knew one another briefly, it was deep enough for such a news to shake me. Your world was so different from mine. Your lifestyle, the company you kept, the parties you threw... I just didn't fit in. But alone with you, it was a different story. Then again, we all have our public and private self, and reveal our vulnerabilities to selected few. Thanks for allowing me to see the private side of you...

You had made a decision, albeit an ultimate one. Your family, friends and I will miss you. You left with questions unanswered. But I wonder if knowing the answers would really help. One thing is for sure though. Your demise has taught many, especially me the importance of cherishing our loved ones while they are still by our sides. Relegating them to memories after they're gone just doesn't cut it. Thanks for the priceless lesson, babe.

Here's looking at you, kid.

A Beginning and an End

Hey Jimmy, this blog is dedicated to you. You are the reason why I started this blog, something that I've been wanting to do but did not put my mind to it.

Am still reeling from the shock over the news. Had I not messaged Bomberman, I would still be in the dark. I wanted to ask him whether he was still attending your private parties, and that was when he broke the horrid news. I asked for his no. and called him at once. I might join him at your wake tomorrow, babe. Oh why, Jimmy... You striked me as a person who is so knew what you wanted... How did it come to this then?

Here's my ode to you, buddy:

Dear friend,I know you were sad, but not this sad
I know you were depressed, but not THAT depressed
Had you really reached the end of your line?
Was there no hope, was there no light?

I know you were lonely but you were not alone
I know you were hurting inside but...
Why this act of self destruction
Must it come to this...?

I don't quite know what to say
You appeared to have everything going for you
What was it that you lacked?
A friend, a lover... a saviour?

Am still reeling from the shock
A news I rather not receive
How unpleasant are the feet of those who bring such tidings
Alas, you are but a memory now...

Goodbye, my friend